Fragments
by RagnarokSkurai
Summary: Memories... the whole purpose of a memory is not to forget. But once you do, is it something that can be brought back? SeiferSquall yaoi.
1. My Name

My first EVER Squall/Seifer. Yes people, this is yaoi/slash. If you don't like it, go away. If you don't know what it is, consider yourself warned that you will be seeing guy on guy action. There will also be slight Rinoa-bashing, slight-Zell bashing, and slight Quistis bashing. Don't know why, because I actually like everyone but Rinoa... ah well. On with the fic!  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I thought I'd never see you again. Or I never thought I'd see you again. Huh. Is that the same thing, or different, I wonder? Is it cynical or apathetic? I suppose it's both. But I just... I never even knew if you were alive, and I wasn't sure if I wanted you to be. Well, I wanted you to be... but was that just too stupid for words?  
  
But here. Even if I ever expected to see you again, in the farthest stretches of my imagination I couldn't ever have imagined it would be *here*. Some little diner in Winhill. I mean, maybe pushing through a crowd in Esther, or hiding with one of the resistance groups in Timber. Not here. In some small town like this. I thought you'd go underground, become part of the crowd.  
  
But you are here. And so am I, and frankly, I don't know what to do. Pretend I never saw you? Turn you in to the Galbadian Government or half a dozen other agencies who want their hands on you? Go and talk? Hyne, none of the three really make any sense. For one, you're almost impossible to ignore, and I can't just hand you off like that. And we were never very good at talking.  
  
I see the old woman in the corner eyeing me thoughtfully. Like she knows who I am and who you are, and expects me to pull out my gunblade and lop off your head. Can't blame her for that. It's almost been a reflex this past year, just opening up fire whenever you popped into view. But Ultimacia's dead. And that changes everything.  
  
If you were some random guy who'd been sucked into her scheme, yeah, maybe you're head would be rolling on the floor right now. But you're Seifer Almasy. Seifer fucking Almasy, as you used to say. My rival from day one. The scar on my face? You gave that to me. You spurred me on no matter what. You were the one who made me strong. As pitiful as it is, I wouldn't be me if you hadn't been there. I'd probably be a third rate gunblader, the quiet one that makes conversation screech to a halt whenever he walks in the room. Instead I'm the Commander of the fucking Garden. A world-class hero. A valiant and Byronic figure, Hyne help me. And like so many other mentors you got left behind. I went up and if anything... you went down. Worse, you got thrown out like yesterday's garbage. There are so many versions of you that I don't know who you are anymore. I'm not sure which 'you' is sitting at that table right now.  
  
And I don't... I don't think I'm up to confronting most of them right now. I don't know if I can take any more. As strong as everyone thinks I am, in many ways... I'm fragile. You knew that. You always knew that. Way back before all this. You used to take care of me when it became too much, and once I was myself again you'd put the distance back between us. Pick up where the insults and wisecracks had let off. I didn't understand at first. I didn't know why you switched back and forth so readily. How sometimes you hated me and sometimes you didn't.  
  
At some point down the road I did figure it out. Finally. You thought I didn't want anything more than comfort. That I couldn't handle anything more. And maybe you were right. Maybe, at first, I couldn't have. But I was ready for you then. I was ready. So I went to your room, and asked you to let me in. You did. And that room became a sanctuary for me, a place where I could do what I wanted and say what I felt. You laughed sometimes. Said I had a weird sense of humor. Most of what we did there wasn't funny. It was serious. About as serious as anything can get. But for the first time in my life I realized that serious didn't necessarily have to be depressing as well. It was just... something not to be taken lightly. Not that I ever took you lightly. Some people did. Thought you were a big hotshot, all talk and attitude. Well, you had the talk, and the attitude, but you could follow it up with the real deal as well.  
  
What am I thinking about? How did I start at point A and wind up digging so deep? I was trying to decide about you.  
  
Rinoa is the one who saves me now. Saves me from myself. Knows when my moods are just a shade too dark and snaps me out of them. That used to be your job. But where you used sex and violence she uses chatter and laughter. On the surface, it works, yeah, but it's no where near as gratifying. She can't wind me up the way you could. Selphie and her drive me half out my mind sometimes, with their talking and giggling, their conversations about the latest pop stars and fashions and other crap like that that. It makes me want to put Lionheart to my head and pull the trigger.  
  
Quistis knows when I've reached that particular brink, thank Hyne, and gently interrupts, claiming there's work for me in my office. Don't know what I'd do without her. Probably go through with that aforementioned suicide. Though she can go overboard too, telling me I'm working too hard. Not that she isn't similarly guilty at times.  
  
Zell and Irvine are... they're my friends. Zell was before, sort of, but now we actually do things together. We do 'guy things' together, the three of us. Watch movies, raid Irvine's whiskey stash, play poker. It's fun. And Hyne, but isn't the idea of me finding anything fun ludicrous?  
  
I see Ellone from time to time as well. It's... nice. Weird, but nice. She's changed but still the same. Kind of like all of us, I suppose. And Laguna... he's my father, did you hear about that? He's insane, by the way. But in as nice as way as that could be taken.  
  
So that's all of us, really. But I don't know what's going on with you, what's going through your head. I used to be able to tell. Oh, there were blips on the radar screen sometimes, where I wasn't totally certain. But most of the time, I knew. And a lot of things I still know. Things like that spot behind your right ear. Or the way your eyes were always drawn to the wildflowers on the side of the road whenever we went on SeeD training. You'd stare at them, inexplicably drawn, and you were never quite sure why. Memories are a funny thing. Memories you'd all but forgotten. I can't even blame you for that. You had used GF's far longer than any other one of us. Truthfully, I'm doubtful you remember we were ever together at all.  
  
But the way your eyes falter when they meet mine just now... Is that what you would have done if the wildflowers had looked back?  
  
Is that all that's left of me? A tentative feeling, a 'maybe'? Now... now I'm just a few fragments of remembrance that flit through your dreams. Something you can't even remember once you wake up. If I went over to you, I'm sure you would know my face. And my name. But would you know my name if it fell from your lips? Would you remember all the different ways it could fall, desperate or angry or needy or amused, always full of some sort of emotion? What I loved most about you, Seifer, was that you were never cold like me. You've been pissed off at me before, or angry, or hurt at something I did, but you would never shut down. You wore your pain where everyone could see it, even if they didn't understand exactly what it was.  
  
I see you sitting there, and the only thing I want to do is walk over. Get a closer look. Have you kiss me. Have you insult me. Have you fight me. Just let you have me. Let me have you.  
  
But back to the original question. What to do with you. Whether there was still room for you in my life. I guess I answered that pretty damn neatly, didn't I? There's still room. Because no one could ever possibly take your place.  
  
This means breaking the tentative hold Rinoa still hopes to have on me. This means putting up with Zell's protests, Quistis' quiet questions, Irvine's skeptical looks. Selphie would probably be happy to see you back, actually. Even after you blew up her precious Garden. She's a forgive and forget kind of girl. But it wouldn't matter if they all disapproved, if they gave ultimatums. Because there is only one Seifer in this world. If I had too, I could find another Quistis. A Zell, an Irvine. I could find another sassy, intelligent girl to keep me from committing occupational suicide. A hyperactive guy who tends to annoy me and a womanizer who can drink me under the table. I can find another teenager hyped up on soda and rave music. I can find a Rinoa too. I could find their twins, their triplets. Or you could say I don't really need them at all. As long as I have you.  
  
You see what you do to me? In the space of five minutes I've gone from wondering whether I should pretend I ever saw you to running away with you, from everything and everyone I know. You always had that dizzying affect.  
  
I'm yours, Seifer. I have been. But now I've got to convince you of it.  
  
I walk over to the table, closing the distance between us and running one gloved thumb over your bottom lip. You're confused; I can see it your eyes. One part of you is screaming 'Why is he doing this?' and the other part knows exactly why. Part of you recognizes it, doesn't it? Some part of you recognizes the feel of my glove across your face, the smell of leather and the gunpowder I put in Lionheart. But I don't think you like to listen to that part.  
  
For now though, I can wait. I'm pretty patient. You aren't though, and soon enough you'll want answers to your questions. I'll explain as best I can. I'll tell you about the few memories I have still intact, and share the fragments and pieces as well. I'll tell you about that scar on your back that you wouldn't let Dr. Kadowaki heal, and not because you got it in some illicit barroom brawl like rumor says. Because it was the first day I ever put a mark on you, the first day anyone ever put a mark on you. You left it to remind you. You always liked reminders. Physical, tangible things. Like those wildflowers.  
  
I've bet you noticed by now that you can't keep your hands still. So you draw instead. On whatever is around. You used to sketch all over you homework and then not turn it in, because you didn't want anyone to see the faces you sketched and ask about them, because you didn't know who they were either. Are you still like that, Seifer? Do you catch someone's eye in a crowd, see a girl flip her hair over her shoulder, and your mouth starts to form a name... but then it is gone. Because those eyes are in the wrong face, or the girl's hair is too long or too short. And you don't remember what you were going to say.  
  
But you remember my name, don't you? Tell me, please tell me you remember that much.  
  
"Squall?"  
  
Yeah. That's my name. And the way you said it tells me things. Tells me more than you know right now. 


	2. Sunrises

Second chappie. Third one might be awhile... Sorry.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
What are you doing here?  
  
I figured this is the one place I'd be safe. Just being a nobody out in the middle of nowhere. You would be sure to stay away, right?  
  
But apparently not.  
  
I guess this headache was supposed to be my sign to stay inside my house today. But I thought I could use some warm food. Came down here, for soup or something. To flirt with the waitress, knowing her dad, the guy who owns the place, is watching the whole thing with amusement. Being part of the town, part of the scenery. Not doing much at all.  
  
Then you came in. And even without trying to you made the whole room notice you. I wasn't sitting exactly where I could see you, and not exactly where you could see me, but I know you did anyway. I was damn certain of it once our eyes met.  
  
What to do? Run? Please. Certainly not fight. I have no GF's, my gunblade is at home, and I have a grand total of one firaga spell on me. I doubt that would do much. And truthfully? I feel like I've been running for too long, even though I've been here for a few months now.  
  
You walk over. Stride, like the animal you are underneath the cold veneer. Like... almost like your hunting me. About to strike.  
  
You pull out a chair and sit. And then... then you run your finger over my lip. My mouth opens slightly. To... out of shock? I don't know. There was... I...  
  
"Squall?"  
  
Not Leonheart. Squall.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I was always on the verge. Always. I entered the Garden at ten. Not the youngest ever, but pretty damn close. I could have been a SeeD when I was fourteen. But I wasn't. And not the year after that. Or the one after that. Or the three after that. And that was when it was pretty damn apparent I was never going to make SeeD. Not only that, but I was reprimanded for my actions on the test. Screw it. Screw it all. I was sick of Garden.  
  
Then I heard about how they'd sent you and Chickenwuss down to Timber to help the Owls. Just them and one other girl. What the hell? Was Cid trying to get you all killed? Fuck. I couldn't sit by and just watch. I wasn't that kind of guy. So I broke out, rode the train to Timber. Actually followed Deling's entourage into the city. Heh. Perfect. Screw SeeD. I was about to liberate an entire city with one swipe of my gunblade.  
  
Then... that bitch...  
  
I don't know what happened. I remember pulling the President into the next room after Chicken shot off his mouth. Now if I killed him Garden was going to get blown away. Maybe even if I didn't kill him. So should I take the risk?  
  
I remember hearing an odd noise. It sounded... almost like it came from far away. Like from the other end of the tunnel, or when you have a bad head cold. Hollow. I don't know. She started talking. Calling me a boy. I remember that pissing me off but then again, a lot of things piss me off. And she said... I had to make up my mind. I had to choose. But I didn't know what I was supposed to be choosing! I was at so many fucking crossroads. Stay at Garden and try to become SeeD, leave and go off on my own. Stay and help Rinoa. Kill Deling. Let him go. Attack her. Kill her. Don't kill her. No, not her. Never harm her. Her. It was all her. She'd take care of me. I knew she would. I just *knew*.  
  
I'm an intuition kind of guy, sure. Go with the flow and all that shit, but I don't think I would ever do something that odd. Just follow a complete stranger dressed like a dominatrix on crack through a fucking *portal*. Right.  
  
I remember... I remember crying. Little kids crying and screeching. And sea air. A bit salty, a bit wet. Mists over morning skies. Black hair. Pale skin. My hands. Especially my hands... my hands on someone. My hands hitting a stone wall. Darkness. A lot of darkness. And light. Some light too. I didn't see any faces. Not total faces. Eyes. Mostly eyes. But tattoos, and sometimes hair on the back of a neck or hanging into those eyes. I didn't... I didn't know. Like something out of horror film. There but not there. I was watching it, but it was just... it wasn't real. Not tangible real. I think even then I was stuck in my own head.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
When I woke up, I didn't know where I was. Truthfully, not that big of a deal. That's what happens when you drink with Raijin. But no post-drinking binge hangover. No dry mouth. And I'd never woken up in a room like this before. It seemed small but then large. It was dark, and I couldn't quite see. Because I thought that was a corner, but if I took a step towards it... no, it must be a large room. But still very dark. Uneasy, I placed one hand on the hilt of my gunblade.  
  
"There's no going back."  
  
The voice came out of nowhere. Or it should have, because there was no one there a moment ago. But there she was, standing in the corner. That same corner that had been dark and empty when I looked last. How...  
  
"My boy. My poor, poor boy."  
  
"I'm not a boy." It wasn't so much the word as the way she said it. As the way she looked when she said it.  
  
"You don't have to be," she continued smoothly, as though I had not interrupted at all. "Everyone has to grow sometime."  
  
"I want... I... *wan*t..." The hold I had on Hyperion loosened, my hand dropping listlessly to my side. What had I been about to say?  
  
"You don't want to be a boy."  
  
"No..." Not that...  
  
"Then be my Knight. My protector. Fight by my side and no one who sees you will think 'boy'. Can't you see it? Standing at my side, all we pass bowing down before us. You will be tall and proud. Strong. You can guard me. Receive my magic and my protection. You could be so powerful. So powerful, Seifer." She held out her hand, gloved in black silk. And the sizzle of magic in the air...  
  
Her voice... almost like it was painting a picture. Real. Beautifully real. I could see it. Like daylight. I could see me standing beside her, looking golden. Golden beside her, the sun not eclipsed by her darkness but shining into it. Contrasting and complimenting it. It was a balance, wasn't it? Light and dark. Male and female. Power on both sides. There was magic and sheer, brute strength. Cleverness and cunning. Yes. Yes, I could. I could be... I could be so powerful. I wanted it, but it was my name that sealed it. One word and all that she said was true. There was no going back.  
  
"Yes."  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I remember attacking you. I remember Rinoa and Irvine coming to help. I remember bleeding, half frozen from that damn GF. I knew I would not die. But I had failed. I had failed again.  
  
She tended my wounds. Edea, her name was, but she was my Mistress. My Dark Princess. My Sorceress. She healed me, tending the wounds with powerful cure spells, slowing warming me and dispelling the chill that Shiva had left. She had only kind words for me that time, of how she worried of her Knight. And I felt only shame. I could not protect her from a single SeeD. I could not protect her. I was not strong enough for her. Though she never said it, never implied it, I knew it to be true. But it wasn't going to be like this. Not for long. I would protect her. I would protect her because I said I would. I had to be stronger. Better. I always had to be better, but it still wasn't fucking good enough.  
  
I may not have been a boy in her eyes, but I was a boy in my own.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"You are going to question him, are you not?"  
  
"Of course." Whatever she wanted. Whatever she suggested, it would help. "About..."  
  
"The true purpose of SeeD."  
  
"Yes. Of course." I had known that. Hadn't I? "The others aren't important." Compared to you they were nothing. Quistis was no threat. Nor the other girl. It was doubtful that Zell knew much of anything. Rinoa... she was... she could be a problem.  
  
I shook my head. Rinoa? A problem? She was a pest, sure, but a problem was giving her a bit too much credit.  
  
"I'm sure he's awake now." I watched carefully as Edea's eyes began to glaze over. "Yes. He's awake."  
  
"Good."  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I didn't hurt you. Oh, I tossed you around. But I know for a fact you've gotten worse in some of the classes. Certainly on field training. It was... I didn't *really* hurt you. That seems important, somehow.  
  
You didn't look any worse for the wear in the chamber. The electricity would have been painful. You did bite your lip clean through, I did notice that. It was always a wonder to me that Squall Leonheart lowered himself to do something so human as bleed. But you weren't anywhere near broken. I had you continually questioned, knowing you wouldn't break for a long time. I wanted to be there when that happened. I had this burning desire to see you crack, to see what actually made up Squall Leonheart. I was the stronger one now.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
You escaped. All of you. But it was no concern of mine, really. We would meet again. I knew... I just knew. Destiny had all ready bound me to you, Squall. The scars were proof enough of that. Quistis had been a part of my life for years now. Zell too. The other girl... perhaps her as well. The sharpshooter that had been so foolish as to believe he alone could fell a Sorceress, him I knew I would see. And Rinoa, she had been dragged into this. But she was different. Her, I would not hurt. She had... purpose.  
  
The Gardens... I had to destroy them. You were proof that the Gardens were a threat to Edea. To my Sorceress. My... Matron. The only mother I ever had. There was no way I would let you hurt her.  
  
My Mistress became... needy. Like a small child, sometimes, she would beg me for forgiveness. For what, I don't know. What had she possibly done wrong? It was me who had fucked things up time and again. But I would hold her in my arms, feeling the coolness of her skin and the delicacy and fragility of her bones. She was so light. I marveled, really. I thought of how easily I could snap her neck. Just one twist and it would break. Why I would ever think that, I don't know.  
  
Other times she gave you a run for your money in the cold department. Sitting in the near dark, eyes glinting. She'd look down imperiously from her throne, everything about her foreboding. No one dared talk. Dared move. We'd all stand, frozen, the only noise the tap-tap-tapping of my gunblade on the floor. Edea would stop in the middle of a sentence sometimes, and just zone. When she came out of it she would pick up exactly where she left off, as if nothing had happened. I worried. It was often after these... these trances that she would beg forgiveness. There was a cycle. A pattern to it, but... damn it, I couldn't see it. I couldn't *see* it. It was being spelled out in front of me, and I was too small and stupid a child to know my letters.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
You and I would meet many times. Neither ever immerging truly victorious. My Mistress was no longer Edea, but she was still mine. Still my Sorceress, by whatever name she took. Edea. Adel. Ultimecia. Rinoa. I saw it now, some of the pattern. I could not see the end, but I would live it out until I saw it.  
  
I had Fujin and Raijin. They kept me company. Sometimes... sometimes it was like old times. Playing cards, drinking, watching Fujin kick Raijin repeatedly in the shin. Like a time warp, like nothing had ever happened.  
  
Then they left me. They were confused, I think. They just couldn't *see*. They didn't know. And you Squall... so foolish, bringing her newest body to me. Adel and Rinoa would merge, and Ultimecia would have them both, and I would hunt down Ellone for her. But it didn't work. And then... then...  
  
I don't know. The pattern... it twisted. It twisted and went... wrong.  
  
There were the eyes again. And the children... the kids. Monsters. Monsters the likes of which I'd never seen. Blood running from my scar and my palms, and suddenly it felt as if my body were much too heavy. It hurt to breathe. I wanted to scream, to cry, but I couldn't... I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. This... strange feeling. And a sudden searing pain. Darkness. A strange emptiness. Then too much light, and nothing made sense. Like the pattern had been as fragile as glass, and you'd taken your gunblade to it. I'd been deceived somehow, somewhere.  
  
I... I realized that Fujin and Raijin had it right. They'd figured it out. Raijin had never in his life been mistaken for smart, and Fujin was more sly than actually intelligent. And somehow I found my way to them. Beaten and bloodied and bruised as I was. Mostly it was in my mind, I think, but I... I don't know. It had been only three months since the SeeD test. Three months and everything I ever was lay shattered around me. I was... I am Seifer Almasy. But Seifer Almasy was a work in progress. Still is.  
  
I don't remember what I should. I can be just walking down the street and the déjà vu can become so overpowering. And Fu and Rai start in on stories sometimes, and I don't remember what the hell they're talking about. Mostly, though, what I remember I remember in flashes. Like when Raijin is in the kitchen (Fu refuses to cook) frying up fish, and I'll hear Selphie squeal that 'fish eyes are soooooo gross!' Or a girl's high-pitched giggle will float in the window from down the street and I'll become lost in dark hair and darker eyes. The clash of metal on metal brings twins apparitions. Me and you, fighting. I look in the mirror and see the scars on my body. The one on my knee somehow connected to Zell. The one on my foot that has something to do with playing at the lighthouse when we were younger. I think... I think I fell, or something. There's one on my back that I touch constantly. I know it's subtle ridges better than my face these days. It's right near my shoulder blade, almost on my neck. Just the place to run my fingers along when I'm thinking. The one on my face... that I do remember.  
  
It's the less recent past that's so difficult. And I kept the strangest memories. I have days upon days of classes, and I remember most every SeeD test I took. I... I remember the say Quistis became SeeD. I remember being proud of her, almost, even though she had passed and I hadn't. We used to be friends.  
  
But we... we were never friends, were we, Squall? It's you I have the least memories of, but most of them are filled with blood. Pain. The kind that heals and the kind that doesn't. I remember traded insults, carefully worded to slip past those defenses you put up.  
  
But maybe that's all in my head too. Things are fucked up, mixed up with the dreams she used to send me. It's smoky and hazy, bloody and sexy and painful. I forgot who I was in those dreams. And everyone likes to escape Squall. Don't think they don't. You would escape more than anyone. When you practiced your gunblade techniques for so long that your muscles ached and you could barely move and your mind knew nothing other than thrustparrystepturnslash... that wasn't escaping at all, I'm sure.  
  
Oh, but don't worry. You're not the only one. Quistis turns to her books and loses herself in between the pages of her research. Zell distracts himself with food and chatters inanely to hide the fact that there actually might be something serious going on. Selphie... Selphie flat out refuses to believe. She's stuck in make-believe mode, in a land of sugar and clouds and sunshine. Irvine fucks all his cares away. Rinoa? She lets someone else solve everything for her. First her father, but when he gave her more problems than he solved, she shook him off. Adopted her own little resistance group. Then you. Her Knight. And I bet you do chase away her problems. Like some fucking fairy tale. You always did like when Matron told fairy tales. You'd never admit it, but you'd stand hesitantly at the edge of the door, listening carefully.  
  
Huh. The things you remember...  
  
Yeah. You liked fairy tales. And we'd act them out too, but Selphie never wanted to be the princess, and Quistis said she was too old. So we made Zell. Irvine was the evil wizard. Selphie liked being a monster. You and me... we'd fight. I should be the Knight, I was older. But you... you insisted. Stubbornly, over and over, no reason other than 'I am the Knight'. I usually gave in, taking whatever part was left over. A dragon, a messenger, the benevolent king. You never gave the flowery speeches knights were supposed to give. In fact, more often than not, Selphie would adlib your part.  
  
You used... you liked sunrises. You'd get up at the crack of dawn just to watch them. You'd sit on the roof...  
  
"Seifer..."  
  
"Why are you here?" Hell, that's not the important part. "What are you going to do... about me?"  
  
"Come with me."  
  
You hold out your hand.  
  
There's something important about it, you standing like that. Something that flickers on the edges of my mind and I don't dare focus on it for fear it will disappear entirely. But there's this small moment, where the light is shining behind you and into my eyes, and your gloved hand is outstretched. And I grasp it. It's disturbingly unusual. Disturbingly familiar. There's something wrong here. Something very, very wrong. 


	3. Call Me Crazy

Thanks for the comments on the first two chapters! I'm glad you like it. Seifer/Squall isn't really my thing, so it may seem a little OC in parts. Bear with me... nervous laughter

* * *

I think this is fate. 

The whole idea of fate and destiny isn't one I particularly like. If some things are predetermined, aren't all things? But I don't really want to talk philosophy right now. Any talking between us would inevitably end up in a fight of some sort. I'll just say it was chance that brought me here, a chance that took me to Winhill. To you.

It's pretty damn ironic that fate came in the form of one Rinoa Heartilly. And a little bit of Laguna Loire. All that talk of Raine, of my childhood. I'd been to Winhill before, but never once after I'd learned about my past. But the real reason I'd left at all was because they had all banded up against me. I was 'working too hard'. Quistis locked me out of my office, Zell and Irvine guarded the entrance to the Training Center, and Selphie cheerfully informed me that I was to 'take a vacation or die'. All orchestrated, of course, by our resident Sorceress.

I took the Ragnarok to Winhill. I don't know why. Figured I'd have a little peace and quiet, at least. Everyone in Timber knew me, thanks to Rinoa, and the noise of the big cities annoyed me. And I wasn't going anywhere near Esthar. So, why not Winhill? I figured I'd stay at the hotel for a few days, see if the draw points I remembered were still around.

And I ran into you.

Is it chance that you're here too? What could possibly keep you in Winhill? There aren't even any decent monsters around here. Aren't you bored out of your mind yet?"Why are you here?" Why here, Seifer?

"In Winhill? I live here. I work at the bar up the road."

Raine's bar?

"Why are you here? Doesn't the Commander of Balamb-G have anything better to do?"

"I used to live here. When I was little."

Seifer, like always, manages to read between the lines. "Squall? You getting nostalgic on me?" He begins to chuckle. And you know, I haven't heard him laugh like that in almost a year. Forever. Longer than forever, considering I used to spend hours of every day with him. "Sentimental? I suppose stranger things have happened, right?"

Stranger things have happened. Yes. And are likely to happen again. The world is still reeling. Trabia Garden will certainly never be the same. And us... the Orphanage Gang? Lots of things... maybe even everything we ever thought was totally wrong. We've all lost what innocence we had. Which wasn't much to begin with.

You took a lot of my innocence from me. And I mean that in the best way possible. You opened my eyes to lust, to love, to sex. You didn't shake me either, didn't force me in any way. You didn't slap me upside the head with it. It was actually... pretty slow going. I'm admittedly dense about that sort of thing. Still am. Though in Rinoa's case I play dense, because let's face it, nothing about that girl is subtle.

"Well, here it is."

It is Raine's bar. A fresh coat of paint, a new sign over the door. But still... the place I was born. Maybe the only real home I ever had.

"Coming in?" Seifer stands in the doorway, eyebrow raised and a smirk firmly in place.

* * *

He hasn't changed it very much. New paint, new pool table. Everything fixed up a bit, but still the same place, more or less. 

"Something to drink?"

I nod absently.

Even my thoughts are confused. I... don't know. Seifer and I are circling each other wearily. He isn't sure if I'm the enemy or not. And I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing. If he's my Seifer or not. If he ever will be again.

I watch as Seifer warily sits down on the other side of the table.

"Here. On the house."

A ghost of a smile crosses my lips. "Thanks." I grab hold of the glass, although I have no intention of actually drinking it.

Seifer looks... different. I'm not quite sure how. His hair is a little longer. The scar seems a little lighter, his eyes a little darker. Still. Something's different. Something's missing...

"Where's Hyperion?" He isn't wearing his gunblade.

"Room upstairs," he says quietly, jerking his head towards the stairs. "There's a coupla monsters that run around town, but you can usually knock 'em out with your fists. Or a spell if they're a bit on the tough side."

"It doesn't feel strange without it? Don't you miss it?" I feel naked without Lionheart. Gunblades are pretty heavy, and you have to learn to walk with the weight on one side of you. Seems odd to be without it. I mean, I don't go so far as to sleep with my gunblade, or wear it all the time, but I have it with me even now. On my 'vacation'. And I don't remember Seifer going much of anywhere without Hyperion.

"Felt strange at first. But I don't need it here."

So you still miss it then. You just won't let yourself admit it. If there's one thing Seifer hates, it's weakness. Whether real or perceived. In his mind, he's weak without his gunblade but he's weaker still if he misses it.

He leans back in his chair and surveys me cautiously. "You never answered my question. About what you're going to do with me."

"Nothing."

He stares at me for a long moment before smirking. "Appreciate it."

Funny. I even missed that smirk. The good-natured one, the one that he'd smile every time I beat him. That 'even still, I'm better than you'. Always made me feel like maybe he'd let me win. Always made me feel confused, made my stomach start to flutter. And I have definitely missed that feeling.

I hastily take a gulp from the small glass. My eyebrows draw forward into a small frown. Brevis. A brand of Balamb beer.

"Drink okay?"

"My favorite," I say softly, watching the amber colored liquid swirl in the glass. Maybe he remembers more than I think.

* * *

So he's leaving me here. Letting me be. Well. That was unexpected. But Squall's never really been the type to follow a pattern. At least not one anyone could follow. 

Without another word he stands, ready to leave. That's typical Squall too. Never one for chitchat. Never one for any kind of chatting at all.

"Bar's open tonight. You come by, I'll be sure to beat your ass at pool."

I don't know why I said it. Maybe because I miss him. Why? Fuck, I don't know that either. I know I miss the way my blood used to sing in my veins whenever we fought. I miss the twin razor-sharp feelings of guilt and satisfaction every time I beat him. I even miss him beating me, miss the quick flash of lion's pride that would flare in his eyes before he forced it away. Maybe I just miss a challenge. I fight monsters, I fight Fu and Rai, but it's not the same. Not against a gunblader. Not against Squall.

Even when we were kids we used to fight. Over the last piece of toast, over who was taller, who was faster, who was the better 'hider' when we played hide and seek. Now that I think about it, we probably drove Matron up a tree. Then came Garden, where the cycle began anew. We must have spent every other night in detention. And we'd usually end up fighting there too. And even when we weren't fighting, we were competing, you know? Who had the highest test scores. Verbal sparring, me seeing which of my quips would pull a remark from him. We couldn't help but grate on each other. On the surface we were polar opposites in everything. I went on instinct, he was intelligence. I was fire, he was ice. But deep, deep down, we were exactly the same. All we ever wanted was to be the best.

Now he is. The best gunblade specialist, the highest-ranking SeeD in the world, the Commander of the most powerful Garden, Balamb-G. And I'm here, running a bar in Winhill.

But I'm not bitter. Not really. I know for a fact that my life could be a hell of a lot worse. I've got a home, a job, and my best friends. Still have my gunblade; still have my head on my shoulders and only a few more scars to show for it. And the world didn't end, that's also a plus. I'm not a SeeD, sure. And my life is a bit on the fucked up side, yeah. But has that beaten me? No fucking way. Not Seifer Almasy. I can handle a coupla Sorceress fucking with my head, I can handle everything else.

"Sure."

"All right." He takes a few more steps towards the door, all ready deep in thought. "And Squall? I'm sorry. About what happened."

He shrugs. And I hear his acceptance as clear as day, as though he'd said 'no problem'. The playing field is level again. As level as it ever was.

As the door slams behind him I run quickly up the stairs and into my makeshift kitchen. I didn't have any time to order down at the diner and besides, I have a sudden craving for Ramen.

* * *

Back at the hotel I pull out my new 'link communicator, and dial up Garden. 

"Thank you for calling Balamb Garden. If you know the extension of your desired party, please dia– "

Five four six oh oh.

There are a few moments of static before she appears on the screen, highly annoyed.

"I'm in the middle of a class – "

"Quistis."

"Oh! Squall! How are you?"

Quistis is actually quite pretty when she smiles. Pretty as in 'softer'. At all times she's stunning, I suppose you could say, but in a calm, cool way that I know all too well. She has a tranquility that just can't be ruffled. Reserved, collected, and ruthlessly efficient.

"Squall?"

"I'll be staying in Winhill for a few more days."

At that, a high pierced squeal scrapes it's way across the many miles between Winhill and Balamb-G. I'd probably be able to hear it even without the communicator. A second later a very enthusiastic brunette pops onto the screen.

"Squally! Really?!"

"Hello, Rinoa."

"You're really taking a vacation? Wasn't it a good idea?"

"Yes. Fabulous." I'm sure Quistis has caught the sarcasm, but that usually goes straight over Rinoa's head.

I don't mean to slam her. But the truth of the matter is she isn't the brightest bulb in the box. She tends to cling, she tends to whine, and she can be quite annoying on occasion. But there are worse things, right? In no way is she a bad person. Just... not my kind of person, I guess. My contract under her expired a long time ago, luckily. The day she entered the SeeD program, because by doing so she forfeited all rights to SeeD contracts, whether signed in the past or ones of the future. Garden code, Article 5, Line 12. One of the few times I was very glad for having memorized the whole damn book of rules.

"How long are you staying in Winhill?"

"A few more days. Maybe more. I'm just... looking up the past."

"Like checking out your roots? Your mother? That's so cool!" Her happy smile almost undoes me. As sad as it sounds, I don't like lying to her. She's so innocent. Like Selphie is. I hate lying to either of them, because I know neither of them would ever lie to me. Even after everything that's happened, everything they've seen, the both of them refuse to become tainted. I don't know. Just makes me feel bad, I guess. Pinprickings of guilt.

"Yeah. Quistis? Are you still there?"

Rinoa is shoved unceremoniously out of the way. "This is still a class, Miss Heartilly."

"Sorry, Instructor Trepe..."

Quistis again appears on the screen, more than a little perturbed. "I heard everything Squall." Then she frowns. "As did the rest of the class."

... do I look like I care? "You're in charge until I come back. I'm sure you know what to do."

"Of course."

Quistis is fully capable of running the Garden by herself. For a few days, at least. In truth, it probably wouldn't matter if I go back at all. But I will go back. SeeD is my life. Garden is my home.

Shutting the 'link, I sit back in my chair, a little uneasy. Quistis...

I work with Quistis practically every day. I've known her for most of my life. I'd label her 'friend', easily. But I don't think she's satisfied with that. That bull about her sisterly feelings that she misinterpreted... I don't buy it. And of course that sounds completely arrogant, like I want her to be in love with me. I don't like her that way. I don't like Rinoa that way. While we're on the topic, I don't like Selphie, Irvine, or Zell that way either. And as incredibly arrogant as this next sentence sounds, I wish people would stop liking me. From cadets and their juvenile crushes, to my coworkers' flirtations. I don't like it. How can you say you love someone, and not know them? And no one knows me. Not that way they'd need to, to say something like that. I didn't just fall in love with Seifer, you know. It didn't just happen. It was so slow I never saw it coming. He wormed his way into my life, and then made me choose. Seifer or no Seifer. And by then he was so entwined into me, that if he left... what would I have had? An even more hollow shell?

Funny thing about that. He did leave. And I was hollow. Still am. Oh, I've got bits and pieces. We've been over this. But Seifer left a pretty big hole when he went. And that hasn't really changed. Not saying my life means nothing without him, or something so horribly melodramatic as that. I am saying... that I miss him.

* * *

One thing about Squall you can always count on is his inherent ability to stop conversation dead whenever he enters a room. At the Garden it was probably respect. Here it's curiosity and small town suspicion. On the part of a few of the woman it's also a 'hot damn!' thing. Heh. Stupid, wanting after something they could never have. 

Which was a fucking strange thing to say, in retrospect, but I suppose it's true. As nice as all these girls are, they're small town innocent and small town naïve. And believe me, that's attractive to people like us at first. SeeD, I mean. Soldiers. Killers. These girls have never seen anyone or anything die, and if they have it certainly wasn't deliberate. Wasn't a murder. Hyne above, you can see the virtue floating around them. Not to say every country girl's a virgin. That's not what I meant at all. I just mean... they may have seen blood fresh off the cuts of meat they help their mothers prepare for dinner. Blood if their father slaughters a pig, or if they trip and scrape their knees up. But they've never really seen blood. They've never seen a man shot. Never seen an arm or a head cut clean off. Never seen a man half burnt to death, frozen to death, seen his insides outside. They're lucky. And for a while you want to be with them, want to touch their hand and know it's done nothing worse than pinch their little brother because he was listening to her phone call. That's why most SeeD don't date each other; not because there's a rule against it but because we sense the guilt floating around one other, sense the death and the pain. And we want as far away from it as possible.

That's why Rinoa was so enchanting to Squall. Totally enchanting. Enthralling, I guess. He didn't get out much, our Squally, and he didn't care to meet people in the first place. To hell with meeting people... he didn't like people period. But Rinny sends off enough innocence and bubbles and rainbows for a dozen girls. Of course, I doubt she's like that anymore. Not after being almost sealed, almost possessed by an evil sorceress, and very narrowly escaping death numerous times.

I shake my head ruefully. Then again, Rinny would be the type to just bounce back from that shit.

"Pool?" Squall's whispering voice almost seems to echo in the near silence of the room. All the regulars begin to goggle. Is he talking to Seifer? Yup. Congrats on coming up with that one all on your own.

Then I realize I still haven't answered him. Shit. I'm doing his thing. Spending more time in my head than out of it.

"Sure. Just give me a minute."

* * *

If I was a pervert (and, admittedly, I do have my moments), I would most definitely be commenting on the skillful way Squall handles the pool cue. One side of me says to go ahead and quip, but the smarter part says shut up because I still don't really know where I stand and that I'd better not press my luck. 

One thing the whole Sorceress mess taught me? When in doubt, listen to the smarter side. It's not the most fun or the most daring and it won't get a reaction, but it tends to keep me alive. That's the part I do like.

Squall raises an eyebrow at the time on the clock and then looks around at the empty bar. "Empty all ready?"

"Small town. 'Sides. It's only Tuesday." Eleven o'clock and they all run home before their wives come looking for them. Funny quirk of the rustic area.

A flick of the wrist and the eight ball spins into the side pocket. I set the pool cue on the bar and take a drink of my beer. Silence. Squall's thinking something. But I don't know what it is.

* * *

......Seifer. 

"Come back to Garden."

"Are you crazy?" Seifer bursts out, slamming his drink down on top of the bar. "Are you fucking insane? I've always wondered about your mental balance but this – this, Squally boy, is pushing it."

"......" What do you mean?

"What do you mean what do I mean?! Half the world wants me drawn and quartered, and you want to bring me back to fucking Garden! You're insane. Fucking insane."

I feel my lips begin to curve upwards into a slight smirk. Nice to see he still has his mind reading ability. "Scared?"

"Shitless. Absolutely shitless." He looks a bit shell-shocked. He picks his beer back up, tosses the rest of it back, and runs a hand through his hair, making it stand on end. "Going back to Garden would be like facing down a firing squad in your skivvies. You'd be fucking nuts to do it."

"As I recall, a lot of people think you're crazy." Skivvies?

"Har de har. You don't change, do you, Squally boy? Still think you've got me figured out." He stands and strides back behind the bar, clearly dismissing me.

Thing is, I'm far too used to him doing it to have it faze me. "I'll tell Quistis to prepare for our arrival."

"Fujin and Raijin too!"

You never could ignore me. Ever.

But really, I should have known. About Raijin and Fujin, I mean. The only people Seifer will ever admit to needing. I don't know how they worked their way into his affections, or more importantly, why he let them stay there. I don't know the reasons. I don't know why he thought needing them was fine but he couldn't stand the thought of needing me.

* * *

The minute I'm back at the hotel I dial up Quistis. When her face appears on screen I plunge right in. There isn't really a gentle way to breach these kinds of things. 

"I found Seifer."

"I guessed as much."

"......"

"Nothing else would have kept you away this long. And honestly Squall, 'getting in touch with your roots'? Rinoa might buy that bullshit, but not me." She tosses her head back elegantly, a move that makes her look even more attractive in that scholarly-sexy way she has. She knows it too. Why she does it so often.

I ignore her.

"He's coming back to Garden. Fujin and Raijin as well. Two days. Make sure there are rooms ready."

"Will Seifer be staying in yours?"

So. She knew. Or she'd guessed. Didn't matter.

"Fuck off, Quistis. Have three rooms. One for Raijin, one for Fujin. One for Seifer."

"Squall – "

I severed the link.

* * *

_"Fuck me." _

_ You'll never hear him say it, not the way he says it to me. Pleading and commanding at the same time. You'll never see his pupils dilate and his eyes darken, never feel his legs clamp around your waist, never move so together that you can't tell whose fucking whom. You'll never be able to tear words from him, make him forget that ineffectual policy of silence. And they'll never be anyone who could do the same to me. Not like this. For no one else do I have to fight a near constant urge to slam them up against the nearest surface. No one else has ever had me on my knees. There's no one else I consider equal to me, or – dare I say it? – better. No one but him. You could say I love him, sure. But words don't mean a lot to Squall. Come to think of it, they don't mean much to me either. But he is mine. Fuck me, Seifer." _

_He so rarely has to ask twice. He rarely has to ask me at all. _

_ "Seifer," he gasps. "Please..."_

* * *

So what do you think? Not my best work, but it'll do. The story should move along once Seifer gets his butt back to Garden... 

Comments and concerns appreciated :)


End file.
